Do you think I am asking too much?

I just want something that's REAL...

Real life comes by feeding on every word of the LORD (Deut 8:3)

First you must prove yourself to be a real warrior by fighting the LORD's battles (1 Sam 18:17)

True wisdom and real power belong to God; from him we learn how to live, and also what to live for (Job 12:13)

To forsake evil is real understanding (Job 28:28)

God looks down from heaven on the entire human race; he looks to see if there is even one with real understanding, one who seeks for God (Psalm 53:2)

A real friend sticks closer than a brother (Prov 18:24)

And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment (Php 1:9)

Your real life is hidden with Christ in God (Col 3:3)

wishing i could cry more and care less

I haven't spoken to You or felt Your presence in days.
The words I read...Your words...seem empty and meaningless.
I've tried talking to you again and again but it seems like you don't hear a word I'm saying, and right now I don't have any left.
I've tried being quiet and just listening to what You say, but all I hear is the ringing of silence in my ears.
You have information that I'm not privy to, and You won't share.
I've told You what I'd be willing to do, what I'd be willing to go through, but that doesn't seem to matter.

But even through all of this...

I know You are the very essence of love.
I know that You are good, and your plans are as well.
I know that because of the nature of who You are, you care so much more for the burdens on my heart than I ever could.
And...I know I'm probably closing my eyes and desperately trying to find you, and all the while you're probably saying, "just open your eyes and you'll be able to see my hands reaching out to you."

Strange place to be, and one that I've never really been before.
I don't think I like it.

?.?.?

Strange things are happening, and while I always wonder how God will use what He's teaching me now later in my life, the past day...week...month...has made me wonder more than usual...
What is God preparing me for?

lead me Jesus

Am I seeing too much?
Or not enough…

It’s funny. Too often I want questions answered for me. And THIS question that’s been wandering around in my brain for months is demanding an answer. So I’ve asked people. Quite a few of them. I always get one of two answers, but they're so polar opposite that it leaves me even more confused. So I ask God. He, unlike people, always gives me the same answer. In the past when He has given me that answer, I've ignored it and charged ahead with an, "I know what I want and I want it now" attitude. But, seeing as how that hasn't worked out so well for me in the past...

I'm playing a waiting game of my own.

I hate waiting.

Best book EVER!!!

There are very few books that I completely LOVE and almost totally agree with, but this is one of them. This is by far the most wonderful book for single women that I've read (even though the list is pretty short).
It's not about how to "catch" that really great guy every woman wants...in fact, it's really not about men at all. Sure, it talks about them a lot, but it's in relation to women. The standards we should set. The value we should place on ourselves (because God values us so highly). Life does not have to be put on hold...contrary to what almost all of Utah thinks...just because you're not married.

Some of my favorite things it's said so far...

Relationships cannot provide what God was meant to provide…He would not base our wholeness on something that requires another person’s participation.

You are priceless – fearfully and wonderfully made. The man who wants to be involved with you should have to count the cost.
If being involved with you requires a high cost, you will be able to sift the wrong people out of your life. But having a high cost means you can’t be a needy person who always requires the instant gratification of a romantic relationship.

Don’t let others call you by a different name than the one God gave you. And don’t waste time in an identity crisis if a man has yet to call you by the name you want to hear. The right one will recognize you and address you appropriately. Know who you are, what you are worthy of, and carry yourself in that manner.

Yes, it requires a lot of discipline to be around someone who’s wonderful, whom you enjoy, and with whom you think you’d have a wonderful life, and not fantasize about what life would be like with him. You must resist these thoughts though, if he hasn’t promised to be in your life…to imagine a man in your life without his promise of being there is like making an appointment with yourself. You will most likely be there alone.

The woman who sets her heart upon God and plants herself firmly in God’s Word will always be fruitful. Her happiness will not be seasonal; she won’t just be up when everything is going right and down when everything is going wrong. She has another source of joy, another source of power that lies deep and undisturbed beneath the environment and away from volatile circumstances.
When you are spiritually minded and spiritually ruled, you won’t go through the ups and downs of people who trust in their environment. Yes, you will have problems and seasons of trials, but they won’t affect your peace and your joy.

(This is for you, Petunia) The Bible says much about character and little about personality because God has predetermined that everyone’s personality should be different. He delights in our uniqueness. Be true to your personality.

Turnabout is fair play...

A week and a half ago when I was so sad at God, I said something that I'm sure almost every Christian has said at some point..."I need SOME sign that You're listening and that You care." It was kind of a strange place for me to be at, only because I can usually convince myself that what I know about God is true, and if what I feel contradicts that, then it's not true. But not that day. The whole week had been so spiritually draining that I felt like my faith had no strength left. So I asked, in between moments of being angry and screaming, for some proof.

The answer wasn't the one I expected, or even the one I wanted in that moment. But it does go to show how BIG God is...

I've been praying for my cousin since October. She used to go to Bible camp with me, but I wasn't positive that she was saved. She's one of those cases where you know her life would be SO much better if she just understood how much God loves her. Anyway, my mom called and said that my cousin had been going to a little Baptist church and wanted to talk to us about what getting baptized meant. She had been saved about 3 weeks ago!

It was the best answer I could have gotten...I hadn't been praying for her faithfully, and (this is horrible) I've been so consumed with other things that I'd almost forgotten about her. But God didn't forget. Not only does He hear us, he remembers what we say...even when we don't.

Here's my heart.

Lord, take and seal it,

seal it for Thy courts above.

ooooooo

jealousy.
(An obscure reference to an old Natalie Merchant song)

I’m so jealous.
Which is weird because that’s not like me (at least, I never thought it was). But now, it's affecting me so much that I have a sinking feeling...a physical reaction to the emotion that I'm feeling.

I know that he knows a whole bunch of people. I know that the relationship we have (whatever that might be) is unique to us.

I shouldn't feel like this at all...it's not my place. So why do I?

It rained today and I was sad

(6.9.06)
Not everybody likes rain storms but no one can look at a rainbow and say "ew".
When you're IN the rain, you don't think about how beautiful the rainbow is going to be. You think about how wet and cold you are, and how long it's going to take you to dry out. But in the end, in God's time, it's a beautiful thing.

For the past week I have been praying for something big to happen. I know all about not putting God "in a box", and that His timing is different than ours, but I believe that He wants specific requests. So I was very specific.

I didn't get the answer I wanted.

It actually did rain this evening. When I looked, I didn't see a rainbow.

It was enough to make me depressed and angry...I'm out of ideas. I don't know what to do or say anymore. I talked to my mom and she said that sometimes there is nothing you can do or say except, "I trust You."
My only problem with that is it doesn't seem proactive enough...

"I keep wanting you to be fair, but that's not what You said.
I want certain answers to these prayers, but that's not what You said."

Parallels

Yesterday while I was doing my paperwork I noticed that the program we use to record all our sales wasn't working. It could have been a potentially huge problem later in the day, so I let the theatre manager know...he called and they fixed it but that's not really the point. He told me that the last theatre he worked at in our same company had this problem for weeks at a time. Everyday he would call the people in charge of fixing the program when it didn't work, and they would find out what the problem was and say, "Ok, it's fixed for today." He thought...yeah it's fixed for today, but what about tomorrow?

In a weird way it reminded me of God. The world says, "Give me what will sustain me for weeks or months at a time," but God doesn't work that way. He gives us what we need for today (knowledge, strength, comfort, etc.) so that we learn to depend on him for what we need tomorrow. It makes our faith stronger and makes us love Him more.

Kind of a strange connection I know, but it made sense to me...